It is a well-known fact—by which I mean, it’s something most people seem to believe, but I don’t know whether it’s actually true—that spider silk is the strongest substance known to man. Stronger for its thickness than steel.

Perhaps the record-breaking nature of the spider extends to other areas. Perhaps spider fur might be the softest fur known to man. Softer even than that of the sea otter.

Before long we might see spider farms, bodies of dead cows and piles of excrement left in artificial forests to attract flies into the spiders’ delicate yet oh-so-extraordinary webs. Men with vacuum devices would walk through—carefully—once a day, and suck out the biggest, plumpest spiders.

Once stripped and tanned, the spiderskin would be used to make the warmest, softest gloves. They would have three extra fingers on each hand, but nobody would care because they would be so comfortable and so chic.

Eventually it would become a fashion faux-pas to wear gloves with a mere five fingers, and wearers of mittens would be beaten to death by angry mobs.