Q: Will the new for-pay .mac service be more reliable?
Q: Will there be a phone number to call for technical support?
Q: Will there be an e-mail address to report outages?
Q: Will there, in fact, be any support at all?
Q: Will the 100MB of storage come with an increased bandwidth limit for web sites?
Q: Will you be telling us what the bandwidth limits are?
Q: Will you support CGI, servlets, JSP, or anything else beyond static HTML files?
Q: Will I be able to get access to my web logs?
Q: What about backup—our files are safe if we back them up to iDisk, right?
A: No. Apple does not guarantee the integrity of any files on iDisk, even if placed there by the Apple Backup software.
Q: Well, we can at least use the Backup software to back up our computers to CD-R, right?
A: No, not if you have any files bigger than 650MB.
Q: What about using my external tape drive, DVD drive or Firewire hard drive?
A: No, Backup only works with Apple-supplied internal drives. And only if you’re a .mac member.
Q: So the backup software doesn’t back up from my local hard disk to my local CD burner, unless I have a .Mac membership and an active net connection?
Q: OK. The service also includes anti-virus software. Are there any Mac OS X viruses at all?
Q: If I don’t use Microsoft Office, do I need to worry about macro viruses?
Q: Umm… OK. So how much for this invaluable service?
A: $99 a year. Plus tax. In advance.
Q: Can I get two accounts, for me and my wife?
A: Sure, that’ll be $198 plus tax. In advance.
Q: No, I mean can I get a second account cheap if I buy one?
A: Oh, alright then, quit whining. You can get a second account for $10 a year if you buy one full account.
Q: And it’ll have the backup, anti-virus, and web functionality?
A: No, only an e-mail address.
Q: Ah… but at least it’ll be a full e-mail account, right?
A: No, you’ll only get 5MB of space. But that’s nearly enough to hold five days’ spam.
Q: Is there a satisfaction guarantee?
A: Yes. Apple reserves the right to terminate your access to the online services and the software, without cause, without notice and without refunding your money, if it’s not satisfied with your behavior.
Q: What kinds of things am I not allowed to post on my web site?
A: Anything “lewd” or “vulgar”, anything “embarrassing” to anyone, or anything that counts as advertising for any product or service.
Q: So you want $99 a year for an e-mail address, useless backup software, anti-virus software I could buy for $50, and web space limited to inoffensive pictures of fluffy kittens? $99 even if I only want to keep the lifetime e-mail address that you previously said was free?
A: Yes. Pay up now, in three weeks we’ll delete your files and bounce your mail.
Q: I have one more question… What exactly are you smoking out there in Cupertino?
A: I think it’s crack.