Change you can believe in

From: Joe Biden

To: Barack Obama

Subject: Changes to your positions on key issues

I’ve been taking a look at your web site. There are some changes you need to make if we’re ever going to win this thing.

  • Get rid of as many mentions of science as you can. That stuff scares the right-wing Christians.
  • Remove the paragraph about surveillance being conducted under the rule of law. It just looks embarrassing after your FISA vote.
  • Get rid of the stuff about providing opportunities for minorities to own TV and radio stations, or you’ll never get an interview on FOX.
  • Remove the talk of parental controls and filtering tools. Parents don’t want to be responsible for their children’s upbringing.
  • Get rid of the stuff about open government. A live feed of our meetings where we make important decisions? Are you nuts?
  • Get rid of the stuff about redefining broadband to be over 200kbps. The telecoms industry doesn’t want to roll out the fiber we paid them for.
  • Get rid of the paragraph about community use of the wireless spectrum, or the corporate radio stations will bury you.
  • Pull all the stuff about immigration reform. Immigrants can’t vote.
  • Remove the stuff about better enforcement of antitrust law.

Thanks in advance for your speedy compliance.