Celebrating Put Your Children To Work Day

Congressional Republicans today marked their annual celebration of free market child labor. Festivities were started by Ralph E. Reed Jr, who handed out “Put Your Children To Work Day” T-shirts manufactured in sweatshops in the Mariana Islands and labeled “Made in USA”.

Guest speaker and noted Ayn Rand scholar Robert Hessen then gave a brief talk on the importance of child workers. “Today’s sweatshop children act as a stark reminder that we need total laissez-faire economics. Only then will capitalism put an end to child labor, as Ayn Rand explained.”

Asked by a reporter why laissez-faire had not ended child labor in England during the Industrial Revolution, Hessen explained that it had not been tried with sufficient rigor, and that obviously situations were different in Europe and their history had nothing to teach us.

Former Representative Tom DeLay then gave a moving speech telling the story of how he single-handedly blocked the Murkowski worker reform bill in 2000, protecting the rights of future generations of children to better themselves in the factories of the far east. “I urge you to get out there and support the repeal of minimum wage laws,” he added. “Your children won’t get a job if employers are expected to pay them $7 an hour. Do you want that job going to Chinese children? Or goddamn Mexicans?”

After a short break for refreshments served by unpaid interns, surprise guest Mitt Romney told an excited audience that his investments in Chinese sweatshop factories had taught him that American children still had a lot to learn about capitalism. “The last thing we want is today’s youth growing up thinking that they are entitled to food, housing, or healthcare. Too many children are part of the 47% who just want to take handouts from their parents and pay no income tax on their allowance.”

Hessen agreed. “It’s also immoral for today’s child parasites to think that they are entitled to Medicare and Social Security when they get old. That may have been true in Ayn Rand’s day, but God willing, responsible government by the Republican Party will solve the problem.”

To learn more about putting your own children to work, in industries ranging from iPod manufacture to chimney sweeping, visit the Department of Labor Division of Child Employment at dol.gov/dce.