In the mailbox today: The Oriental Trading “fun&faith” catalog, full of Christian-themed party crafts, toys and gifts for Bible camp.

Now, I fully recognize that there’s a need for decorate-your-own cross kits, religious jewelry pieces, Jesus diorama materials and the like, but this catalog has some seriously weird stuff in it.

There’s a whole section on the Agents of Truth, a secret undercover spy Bible study school, complete with top secret prayer box, active duty badge, and special agent for god vest (bulletproof?). Also, Agents of Truth duct tape and handcuffs, in case things get… intense. Bible verse spy watches. Dark glasses.

There are “The Lord is My Light” glow sticks. In case his batteries need changing, presumably. And Jesus Loves Me kazoos, because nothing makes everyone love you like a kazoo. Or add your child’s photo to an adventure picture card.

I’m thinking these cutouts are perfect for Texas, and they have “Wanted By God” sheriff star badges too. (“Wanted by God”? Is it just me, or does that suggest a request to be dispatched?)

Want a more medieval theme? Tool up with the armor of god, sword of the spirit and belt of truth. Off to the beach? Remember your walking with Jesus beach ball. Or if that’s too subtle, get the transparent one with a cross in it. Jesus fish and cross frisbees are available. Don’t forget to pick up a John 3:16 Yo-Yo, just the thing for Easter.

Plush Christian owls! Plush inspirational sheep! Inspirational traffic cones! Inspirational traffic lights! Religious road sign necklaces! You know, I have a hard time thinking of three concepts that belong together less than “religious”, “road sign” and “necklace”.

And as final proof that these products were thought up by people with no sense of irony, cross-shaped suckers.