The Watergate speedrun

As the Trump regime continues its attempt at a Watergate speedrun, here’s a timeless article found in the LA Times and other newspapers, circa 1973, written by Art Buchwald:

WASHINGTON — These are difficult times for people who are defending the Nixon Administration. No matter where they go they are attacked by pseudo-liberals, McGovern lovers, heterosexual constitutionalists, and paranoid John Dean believers.

As a public service, I am printing instant responses for loyal Nixonites when they are attacked at a party. Please cut it out and carry it in your pocket.

  • Everyone does it
  • What about Chappaquiddick?
  • A President can’t keep track of EVERYTHING his staff does.
  • The press is blowing the whole thing up.
  • whatever Nixon did was for national security.
  • The Democrats are sore because they lost the election.
  • Are you going to believe a rat like John Dean or the President of the United States?
  • Wait till ALL the facts come out.
  • What about Chappaquiddick?
  • If you impeach Nixon, you get Agnew.
  • The only thing wrong with Watergate is they got caught.
  • What about Daniel Ellsburg stealing the Pentagon Papers?
  • It happens in Europe all the time.
  • People would be against Nixon no matter what he did.
  • I’d rather have a crook in the White House than a fool.
  • LBJ used to read FBI reports every night.
  • What’s the big deal about finding out what your opposition is up to?
  • The president was too busy running the country to know what was going on.
  • What about Chappaquiddick?
  • People that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
  • McGovern would have lost anyway.
  • Maybe the Committee for the Re-Election of the President when a little too far, but they were just a bunch of eager kids.
  • I’m not for breaking the law, but sometimes you have to do it to save the country.
  • Nixon made a mistake, he’s only human.
  • Do you realize what Watergate is doing to the dollar abroad?
  • What about Harry Truman and the deep freeze scandal?
  • Franklin D. Roosevelt did a lot of worse things.
  • I’m sick and tired of hearing about Watergate and so is everyone else.
  • This thing should be tried in the courts and not on television.
  • When Nixon gives his explanation of what happened there are going to be a lot of people in this country with egg on their faces.
  • My country right or wrong.
  • What about Chappaquiddick?
  • I think the people who make all this fuss about Watergate should be shot.
  • If the Democrats had the money they would have done the same thing.
  • I never trusted Haldeman and Ehrlichman to start with.
  • If you say one more word about Watergate I’ll punch you in the nose. a) If the person is bigger than you: “If you say one more word about Watergate I’m leaving this house.” b) If it’s your own house and the person is bigger than you: “What about Chappaquiddick?”