Sep 07

Proposal:

Instead of giving hurricanes and tropical storms the same boring names time and time again, we should sell naming rights to the highest bidder. Tropical Storm Scion xA! Hurricane X-treme Cheddar Doritos!

Weather maps could show the corporate logo in the middle of the storm.

And here’s the best bit: money raised could go towards relief efforts.

You may think corporations wouldn’t want to be associated with life-destroying disasters, but we’ve already seen the Chevrolet Avalanche and Oldsmobile Tornado, no doubt soon to be followed by the Mitsubishi Tsunami, the Toyota HSN1, and the Ford Wildfire.

May 24

One of my random Internet pastimes is answering surveys. Partly I do it because I suspect I’m an interesting edge case for their data set, the exception that will prove their rules. Also, at the end they offer some of the statistics they’ve gathered, which can be interesting. And sometimes, the act of answering trivial questions can lead me to odd insights about myself.

Like just now.

It was a survey about motor oil. Since I’ve only been driving for a little under 3 years, and since we’ve always taken the car to the dealer for its oil change, I’ve not had much occasion to learn about oil, or the oil changing process.

In fact, while answering the survey I realized that the sum total of my knowledge about oil changes is what I learned from the ubiquitous Castrol GTX ads on UK television in the early 80s.

Specifically, I know three things: I know that Castrol GTX is a brand of oil. I know that it is viscous and golden in color.  And I know that if you pour it gradually onto a sheet of metal on which a metal spanner is resting, it will cling to the edges of the spanner and flow around it.

And now that I pause to think about it, two of those things might be totally untrue.

But there’s something a little disturbing about the idea that if I had to go buy oil for the car right now, I’d probably buy Castrol GTX, simply because of a TV advert shown 25 years ago (and thousands of miles away); an ad that didn’t really work on any level beyond pure abstract brand awareness.

And even more amazing is that with less than a minute of effort I managed to locate the ad on YouTube.

Mar 22

Here we are in 2006, and Intel still feels the need to engage in sexist advertising—on their home page, even.

Yes, a Centrino Duo will make a hot babe suddenly appear and sit on your lap, boys. “I’d Core her Duo! Eh? Eh?”

On a not unrelated note, Sony have a banner advert for Daxter running on Penny Arcade. At the end, a cartoon squirrel explains that it wants to hump the PSP.

I’m not sure how that’s supposed to make me want to buy one, but I suppose it’s no worse than McDonalds advertising a kid wanting to go all American Pie on one of their burgers.

Nov 18

Tom Tomorrow has his panties in a bunch over the outrageous behavior of Internet users. He was shocked this week to discover that some people were reading his published web log using special purpose web log browsing software (aka “news aggregators”), rather than the software he wants them to use (a web browser). Worse still, the miscreants were skipping the ads! Quel horreur!

It rather reminds me of the CEO of Turner Broadcasting, who declared that skipping TV ads using fast forward was “stealing the programming”.

Here’s the deal: if you publish or broadcast something, you don’t get to control how people choose to read or watch it.

If I want to watch Cartoon Network on an HDTV and chop the logo off the bottom of the screen, I can. If I choose to read AOL Time Warner’s web sites using a non-AOL web browser, I can. If I want to block your ads or change the layout of your web site using a local style sheet, tough luck, you can’t stop me.

I think the argument that it’s rude for me to skip TV or web ads is ridiculous. However, you may disagree, in which case here are some rules which may soon appear in the Tom Tomorrow Guide to Etiquette.

  • When viewing television, politely sit and watch every TV ad. Do not go to the bathroom or fetch a snack. If you must use a VCR to time-shift, do not fast forward through the ads. What, you expect the TV companies to let you watch that programming as you wish?

  • Make sure you are careful to read every ad on every page of the newspaper. If you must throw away a section of the paper, be sure to read every advertisement first. Otherwise, you are automatically skipping a big chunk of ads which helped pay for the newspaper you enjoyed, and that would be quite literally stealing content from the newspaper, wouldn’t it?

  • Make sure you open and read every single piece of junk postal mail you receive. The postal service you use is heavily subsidized by the money it makes from bulk advertising mail. To toss junk mail in the trash automatically without opening and examining the ads would be taking advantage of something without paying for it. That would be stealing, wouldn’t it?

  • When you’re listening to the car radio, never change the station during an ad break. The ads pay for the radio transmitter and the electricity used to broadcast the music. If they couldn’t advertise to you, why, the radio station would go away entirely. So if you skip the ads by pushing a button, you’re obviously human scum.

  • You know those advertising inserts in magazines? They’re there because the publisher wants you to have to look at them and move them aside to read the whole article. If you rip them out so you can just read the entire article without seeing the ad, well, you’re stealing. What, you want the content handed to you on a silver platter?

Meanwhile in the real world…

People skip ads all the time. Sometimes manually, sometimes automatically, but mostly without thinking or even registering the presence of the ad. Our daily environment is so ad-infested at this point that even the advertisers are admitting that it is becoming harder and harder to ‘reach’ people (where by ‘reach’ they often mean ‘interrupt’, ’distract’ or ‘annoy’).

If people’s desires and behavior make advertising ineffective, that’s just tough luck for advertising. If technology makes it easy for people to skip ads and people want to skip ads, then people will skip ads. You can rant all you like, but the world was not designed for the express purpose of advertising, and there’s no guarantee it will stay amenable to your marketing messages.

In fact, the Internet was never designed to be friendly to advertising. The fact that you can advertise on the web at all is accident. The Internet existed before web advertising, and will probably still exist in some form when capitalism has collapsed on itself and mass marketing is something kids are asked to read about in history textbooks. If my skipping ads breaks your business model, you need to find a new business model.

And now it’s disclosure time. I’m one of those evil RSS-readin’ web-aggregatin’ freeloading varmints. Except that I have bought a bunch of Tom Tomorrow books, and I wear a baseball cap with Sparky the Wonder Penguin embroidered on the front, purchased from you-know-who’s web site. (As an aside: I wish Ted Rall was still selling embroidered caps in custom sizes, I could totally go for an El Busho cap too, but One Size Does Not Fit All.)

I think I’ve demonstrated that I’m responsible and adult enough to make my own moral choices, so I don’t particularly appreciate being told that I’m “human scum” because I choose not to look at ads every day, and only go browse them when I feel like getting a new T-shirt or some bumper stickers.

Jan 22

CBS are refusing to run the winning ad from MoveOn.org, supposedly on the grounds that they don’t allow political advertising regarding controversial issues during the Superbowl.

However, a look at the list of advertisers confirms that one ad will be from the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy. So, no controversial political issues there.

Remember this next time someone posts bullshit about the “liberal media”.

Dec 12

Just in case you’re one of the few people not yet driven to install ad-blocking software by the plague of huge ugly flashing ads… You might like to know that the Internet advertisers have decided that the reason their ads aren’t working is that they’re still not big and annoying enough.

Jun 15

Having gotten on the NRA mailing list, and being on some SF fan mailing lists, I’ve now received a catalog which seems to be aimed at survivalist pagan SF/fantasy fans and SCA types. Klingon batleths, official “Blade II” blades, crossbows, dragon candle holders, reproductions of Excalibur, pewter goblets, emergency survival knives, Scottish ceremonial daggers, and so on.

Just goes to show, in the land where commerce is religion, there’s a catalog for every niche. I think I’ll give it to Dan. Probably lots of gift ideas for her parents.

On a sillier note, you’d think AAA would have more sense than to keep mailshotting someone who’s never owned a car, an auto insurance policy, or a driver’s license. Paging Dr Clue…

Feb 27

Banner ads don’t work. Everyone knows it. The online advertising industry, however, doesn’t want to admit it.

Just a few days ago there was a big meeting of members of the Internet Advertising Bureau—a self-selected group of big web sites and ad banner hucksters, including Yahoo, AOL, DoubleClick and Excite.

These towering intellects have decided that the reason ad banners don’t work is that they’re not big enough. So they’ve decided on some new standards for ad banner sizes. 250×250 pixels.

Well, obviously if I have that staring me in the face I’ll have no option but to click through and buy the product. If you want a real example, look at C|net—I’ll certainly try not to from now on…

There’s also a new 120×600 humongo-ad they’ll be crapping all over web pages; I’ll spare you a demo of that one. The new ads contribute an extra 6K each to the size of the page. At modem speeds, that’s an extra second or two per ad on the load time, assuming the Internet’s not congested. I can hardly wait—or rather, I’m going to have to.

Still, I can’t help thinking that they’re missing something. Monday I actually saw something interesting mentioned on a banner ad. I clicked on it, and got… a completely blank page.

See, for privacy and security reasons I browse with cookies and JavaScript turned off by default. I only enable them for a specific web site if there’s a good reason to do so. Unfortunately, most banner ad firms demand that they be able to track everything about you and capture your e-mail address using cookies and JavaScript. If you refuse their demands, they simply refuse to take you to the advertised page. So in all the times I’ve actually clicked on banner ads, rarely have I ended up being offered the product or service advertised.

In this case, I hunted down the web site of the company paying for the ad, and sent them a note to tell them that they were being ripped off by their advertising agency. But the point is: If advertising agencies want to increase the effectiveness of banner ads, they could be a little less obnoxious and aggressive and demanding, and start by making sure the damn things actually work.