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Official White House proclamation:

The Congress, by Public Law 85-529, as amended, has designated May 1 of each year as “Loyalty Day.” This Loyalty Day, and throughout the year, I ask all Americans to join me in reaffirming our allegiance to our Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim May 1, 2007, as Loyalty Day. I call upon the people of the United States to participate in this national observance and to display the flag of the United States on Loyalty Day as a symbol of pride in our Nation.

Coming soon: The Three Minute Hate, every night at 6pm on FOX News!

Update for the sake of clarity: No, this stupid idea was not invented by Bush and crew. Given that Congress is controlled by the Democrats, it’s unlikely they would go out of their way to pass laws asking people to be loyal to the President; sorry if I led anyone to believe otherwise.

One of the defining features of mammals is the four chambered heart. A curiosity of biology is that all mammals have more or less the same lifespan, if you measure it in heartbeats: one billion beats, give or take a billion.

If you’re a large mammal, like an elephant, your heart beats slowly, and you live many years. If you’re a mouse, your tiny heart beats far faster, and you’re lucky to live more than a handful of years. If you’re a human, your heart usually beats around 70 times a minute. Mine is a little different. It likes to throw in an extra beat here and there.

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“Unfortunately, independent efforts by the NAACP, America Coming Together, John Kerry for President and the Capri Cafaro for Congress campaign have been illegally registering people to vote and apply for absentee ballots. [...] Please be advised that if you were registered in this capacity that you will not be able to vote until the next election.”

—Text from fraudulent letter sent to Ohio Democratic voters

The US Department of Education has changed its policy regarding which TV shows should be provided with closed captions for the deaf. The new criteria are secret, and were decided by a five-member panel of people whose names are also secret. All that we know is that the rules set down by Congress require that captioned material be “educational and informational”.

So, to help illustrate the difference between factual educational programs and non-educational entertainment, here are some examples from the official list of updates produced by the panel.

Officially NOT EDUCATIONAL:

AMC Documentaries
VH1 Behind The Music
CNN en Espanol Deportes (Sports)
Daytime Court trials
Documentary: Gay Hollywood
Documentary: Hell Up in Hollywood: Soul Cinema & the 1970’s
Documentary: Hollywood & the Holocaust
Documentary: Hollywood & the Muslim World
Hollywood Lives and Legends
AE Investigative Reports
Lifetime Intimate Biographies of Women
Reel Radicals: The 60’s Revolution in Film
Time Squad

Officially EDUCATIONAL for deaf people:

21st Century Astrology
ABC Good Morning America
Amazing Animal Videos
Atlantis: In Search of a Lost Continent
Bob the Builder
Cory the Clown Show
Degrassi: The Next Generation
ESPN2 Sports Figure
FOX News
Journey to the Center of the Earth
Pinocchio
Play Piano In A Flash
Robinson Crusoe
The Fountainhead
The Time Machine
Vanity Fair

“I’m the only person in the United States Senate who has been elected four times who has voluntarily refused to ever take one dime of political action committee, special interest money in my elections”

—John Kerry

AP continues the story:

Kerry collected more than $470,000 directly from companies and unions in 2002 [just before those types of donations were outlawed] for his Citizen Soldier Fund, and spent large amounts of it sowing goodwill in key primary states just before Congress banned the use of such “soft money” donations, according to records his group filed with the IRS.

More than $100,000 of those donations came from telecommunications and Internet companies that have had a direct interest in the work of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee on which Kerry serves.

For instance, nearly every major cellular phone company donated to Kerry’s committee, including AT&T Wireless ($7,500), Nextel ($5,000), Verizon Wireless ($5,000), T-Mobile ($5,000), and Cingular ($5,000). The head of Internet publishing giant International Data Group gave $50,000, while the chairman of the Google Web site chipped in another $25,000.

Naturally the Massachusetts decision brought out the trolls on Usenet, with lots of postings of frothing articles from worldnetdaily.org. However, it also brought out some amusing parodies of said ravings.

Mass. Decision Said to Encourage Federal Marriage Amendment Christians fear an end to traditional marriage and abortion clinic shootings

  WorldNutDaily.org

Thousands of formerly ardent Christians filed for divorce this morning, as others raped their children and household pets, after the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that gay people are citizens too.  “My marriage is over,” spoke one upset Christian as he dry-humped the fender of a parked car. “My marriage isn’t worth anything,” he insisted. “I feel no connection to my wife and children and I just want to do whatever I please, when it pleases me to do it.” With that he turned to a passing elderly woman and shouted for her to reveal her “tits.”  This same scene is being repeated over  over again, on every street in every city  town in America. Once devoted parents  spouses, America’s Christians are denouncing any bonds between themselves and their families as they embark on a binge of sex, drugs and socialism.  “We warned you that this would happen,” insisted one anti human rights activist. “We told you that gay citizens enjoying equal rights would destroy marriage, the family and even Christianity itself. And now it’s happened,” he said. “You should have listened to us. If you had, I wouldn’t of had to have sex with three different strange men in a public restroom this morning.”  The fallout from today’s decision is enormous and far reaching. So big is the change that swept America this morning that it may be days before a true accounting of the damage is complete. As things stand, one unconfirmed report has Bob Jones Jr., of Bob Jones University, defecating on his bible upon hearing the news, while other witnesses have come forward to report that they had seen Pat Robertson, former leader of the Christian Coalition and the host of the 700 club, enjoying sex with a chair.

Congress was quick to pass an appropriations bill funding the thousands of new orphanages needed to care for the abandoned children. It is hoped that this is only a temporary measure and that Christians will yet accept the financial responsibility for their families, even if they no longer love them and insist on masturbating in public.

From the Washington Post:

A day after Congress voted to authorize Bush to use force against Iraq, a mass e-mail was distributed by the executive office of the president. It referred to Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-W.Va.), who led the opposition to the resolution, as “doddering old Bob Byrd, the senile senator from West Virginia.” It called Hispanic Democrats in the House who opposed the resolution “self-centered, do-nothing, $150,000/year plus perks yo-yo’s.”

“If they have a defense for their actions,” the memo said, “they should deliver it to the kids in uniform that could one day have their ass shot off to protect these ninnies!”

[…]

Sources said a relatively senior Bush aide liked the memo and directed a young aide to forward it to Hispanic Republican activists; the memo was accidentally sent instead, without explanation, to a mostly Hispanic Democratic group.

In order to save 50¢ per taxpayer, George W. Bush has cut NASA’s budget so that they can’t afford to send an unmanned mission to Pluto.

The problem is, the last viable launch window to get a gravitational slingshot to Pluto is in 2006. If we don’t hit that window, Pluto will move too far away from the sun, and its atmosphere will freeze and precipitate out onto the planet’s surface. In addition, about half the planet will be too dark for any kind of photographic sensors to scan. Which means if we don’t run a mission now, we won’t get to see Pluto until some time after the year 2300.

Speaking as someone who was seriously counting on being able to work on a moonbase by now, this bugs the hell out of me. I don’t expect science to be a high priority with Republicans, but this kind of shortsighted penny-pinching really grates.

There’s a chance Congress and the House will be able to restore the Pluto mission budget. Let’s hope.

Ken Lay has resigned from Enron, told Congress he won’t answer their questions, and now he’s mysteriously gone missing…

Maybe he’ll turn up in Spain with Ronnie Biggs, Minnie Driver’s father Ronnie, Jim Slater, and all the other (alleged) crooks…