May 22

A local pet store has a sign up that says Parakeets will make your dreams come true!

This may be a justified claim, under certain circumstances. For instance, if you’ve ever had a dream about giant Marshmallow Peeps coming to life and pecking you in revenge, a parakeet can certainly make that dream come true. More appealingly, though, if you’ve ever wanted to be like Saint Francis of Assisi, that’s a dream parakeets have the power to help you with. Or you could be like Uncle Remus with a blue bird on his shoulder.

The bird has proven to be a somewhat expensive dream come true, however. A budgerigar is about $20 in the stores, but if you buy a baby budgie from a small breeder like we did, it’s a little more expensive. You also likely have to follow the buddy-up procedure. But that’s just the start.

Next there’s the cage. We got about the largest we could find with parakeet-size bar spacing, solid metal. I forget how much we paid, but cages run about $60-100.

Then you need perches and toys. Since budgerigars are miniature parrots, they need mental stimulation: brightly colored toys they can climb on, objects they can peck and pull at, bells, and so on. Plain wood perches like the dowel that comes with the cage are bad for bird feet, so natural wood perches are a good idea, and those can be surprisingly expensive for a product that literally grows on trees.

(We also got a fluffy bed, which he snuggles into when he’s feeling chilly. The first morning after we put it in the cage he had ‘bed head’ when he got up, which was hilarious. Also, when I go to cover the cage, sometimes I get to see him shuffle over into bed. Very cute.)

Then there was the initial vet checkup. We did it to be on the safe side, and so that the vet would have some baseline info on the bird. Then things got expensive, as we had to replace all our cookware.

The problem is, Teflon (PTFE) non-stick coating gives off toxic fumes when heated, assorted fluoride compounds. While the fumes are arguably safe to humans at the levels emitted during regular cooking, they are apparently much more deadly to birds. Opinion seems to be mixed as to exactly how deadly, and to make matters worse, there’s no warning–humans can’t smell the gas, so one minute you’re making an omelette, the next minute you’re equipped to take part in Monty Python’s most famous sketch.

We decided we had to play it safe. So, we replaced all our pans with stainless steel. New saucepans, new frying pans, new wok, new crepe pan, new baking sheets.

So overall, the actual price of the bird is a tiny fraction of the cost of getting a budgie, 10% at most. It still seems a bit odd, really, that the bird is so cheap when the actual investment required (in time and money) is so significant. With other pets, like a dog or cat, you at least have to come up with a chunk of cash for the animal. Hence the regret seen regularly on budgie forums, that people buy them because they look cute and are cheap, not understanding what they’re getting into.

We were at an outdoor street fair the other week. Someone was selling budgies, giving away a free cage with each bird. Needless to say, the cages weren’t really large enough to be a parakeet’s primary cage. It made me angry, but what can you do? I have to remind myself that millions of small birds die every day, of hunger or predation or illness. I can only make sure our bird is well looked after.

Apr 07

Every time a web site asks me to list hobbies, I get the urge to put “golf, strangling small animals, and masturbation”.

Unfortunately, there are far too many people who wouldn’t recognize the reference.

Mar 19

OK, this is the most obsessive e-mail I’ve received in a long, long time:

I read your HUMAN_DNA.H from GNU humor pages, and I like it very much. However, I don’t get it why you name Penis variable *jt, and Vagina *p? Does jt and p stand for anything?

Any complaints about the humorous quality of the joke should, of course, be addressed to British Airways, Ingrams Drive, Redditch.

I must confess that there is an extra layer of joke hidden there. JT stands for “John Thomas”, an expression any Monty Python fan knows. P is left as an exercise for the reader.

This e-mail has reminded me of the fact that what I write tends to end up multi-layered whether I intend it or not, because jokes and connections which make perfect sense to me often get missed by other people. However, I’m generally a pretty straightforward person, and say what I mean.

You might think that’s a contradiction—but the way I write, the subtext usually exists to enhance the main message, or is irrelevant wordplay. Is that duplicitous?

Mar 19

We went to the British Council Library to take back some library books XQ had borrowed. On the way we passed the American Cultural Center (sic). It wasn’t what I was expecting; it was a quiet, featureless white building. It wasn’t covered in neon, and it didn’t have any giant paintings of Mickey Mouse on the side. It didn’t even have a flag.

The British Council Library had a selection of video cassettes for hire. I looked through to see what they had chosen as representative of British culture. The largest section wasComedy, which for some reason includedMax Headroom. Just about every genre of TV comedy was represented, from the heights ofYes, Minister to the execrable depths ofBenny Hill, fromMonty Python’s Flying Circus toRed Dwarf.

The only notable gap was that they didn’t have any tapes ofAllo, Allo. I suppose Germany isn’t quite ready for loveable cuddly comedy Nazis yet.