Live from Austin!

2005-09-04: Pat Robertson may have had the good sense to take his meds last week, but inevitably some Christians are seeing the New Orleans disaster as proof of the existence of God. Because, you know, if it wasn’t for God, things would have been worse:

Rev. Bill Shanks, pastor of New Covenant Fellowship of New Orleans, also sees God’s mercy in the aftermath of Katrina — but in a different way. Shanks says the hurricane has wiped out much of the rampant sin common to the city.

The pastor explains that for years he has warned people that unless Christians in New Orleans took a strong stand against such things as local abortion clinics, the yearly Mardi Gras celebrations, and the annual event known as “Southern Decadence” — an annual six-day “gay pride” event scheduled to be hosted by the city this week — God’s judgment would be felt.

New Orleans now is abortion free. New Orleans now is Mardi Gras free. New Orleans now is free of Southern Decadence and the sodomites, the witchcraft workers, false religion — it’s free of all of those things now,” Shanks says. “God simply, I believe, in His mercy purged all of that stuff out of there — and now we’re going to start over again.”

—Agape Press (sic) Christian News

Update 2005-09-18: Dateline Hollywood have a satirical item featuring Pat Robertson announcing that Hurrican Katrina was because Ellen Degeneres was chosen to host The Emmy Awards, and that she may have been to blame for 9/11 as well.

(Bar all homosexuals and bisexuals from taking part in the Emmy awards? That would thin the herd a bit…)

Naturally the Massachusetts decision brought out the trolls on Usenet, with lots of postings of frothing articles from worldnetdaily.org. However, it also brought out some amusing parodies of said ravings.

Mass. Decision Said to Encourage Federal Marriage Amendment Christians fear an end to traditional marriage and abortion clinic shootings

  WorldNutDaily.org

Thousands of formerly ardent Christians filed for divorce this morning, as others raped their children and household pets, after the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that gay people are citizens too.  “My marriage is over,” spoke one upset Christian as he dry-humped the fender of a parked car. “My marriage isn’t worth anything,” he insisted. “I feel no connection to my wife and children and I just want to do whatever I please, when it pleases me to do it.” With that he turned to a passing elderly woman and shouted for her to reveal her “tits.”  This same scene is being repeated over  over again, on every street in every city  town in America. Once devoted parents  spouses, America’s Christians are denouncing any bonds between themselves and their families as they embark on a binge of sex, drugs and socialism.  “We warned you that this would happen,” insisted one anti human rights activist. “We told you that gay citizens enjoying equal rights would destroy marriage, the family and even Christianity itself. And now it’s happened,” he said. “You should have listened to us. If you had, I wouldn’t of had to have sex with three different strange men in a public restroom this morning.”  The fallout from today’s decision is enormous and far reaching. So big is the change that swept America this morning that it may be days before a true accounting of the damage is complete. As things stand, one unconfirmed report has Bob Jones Jr., of Bob Jones University, defecating on his bible upon hearing the news, while other witnesses have come forward to report that they had seen Pat Robertson, former leader of the Christian Coalition and the host of the 700 club, enjoying sex with a chair.

Congress was quick to pass an appropriations bill funding the thousands of new orphanages needed to care for the abandoned children. It is hoped that this is only a temporary measure and that Christians will yet accept the financial responsibility for their families, even if they no longer love them and insist on masturbating in public.

People are still talking about the Pat Robertson / Jerry Falwell comments, that America was attacked because the gays, atheists, pro-choice people and ACLU members made god leave us defenseless.

I have to say, I feel quite honored that I’m now on his list four times over. No doubt about it—if they and their cronies ever achieve their revolution, I’ll be one of the first ones up against the wall. In fact, there probably won’t be enough space on my arm for all the tattoos. They’ll have to load me on a Concorde to get me to the camps fast enough.

So Falwell and Robertson are now whining that the evil liberal media are quoting them out of context. If you believe that, perhaps you’d like to read the entire context? It seems to me that “You’re quoting me out of context!” is the favorite excuse of the person who has been caught saying what he really thinks. It’s hard for me to think of an example where someone has genuinely been misrepresented by out-of-context quotation, unless you include ads for Hollywood movies that turn review quotes from “Amazing that they could release this crap” into “Amazing”.

Yesterday I finished off the Bill Hicks CD collection. I really needed something I could laugh at, something that was funny yet at the same time appropriately vicious, morbid and offensive. I can’t help pondering the fact that when Bill Hicks was my age, he was already dead. Ah, if only he had lived instead of Falwell…