“Uh, I’m just ‘beating cancer’ honey…”

Frequent masturbation, particularly in the 20s and at least five times a week, helps prevent prostate cancer later in life, according to a new Aussie study. Apparently the more men masturbate between ages 20 and 50, the less likely they are to develop the disease. Scientists suspect that frequent ejaculation helps protect against the cancer by preventing carcinogens from building up in the gland. Previous studies found frequent sexual activity could increase the risk of prostate cancer by 40 percent.

Cancer card

What the hell do you write in a card to someone who’s just been diagnosed with terminal cancer? “Get well soon” is traditional, but hardly seems appropriate in the situation. Anything involving the word “sympathy” sounds like I’ve got the headstone and lilies ready. “Hope your death is speedy and painless” is the best the doctors say it’s reasonable to hope for, but isn’t exactly appropriate for a card. I can’t write “You are in my prayers” for obvious reasons.

Smells like melanoma

From News of the Weird: Researchers at England’s Cambridge University, and others in Tallahassee, Fla., and Cleveland, are training dogs to screen patients for prostate and lung cancers by detecting distinct smells of tumors in patients’ breath. One researcher reported a success rate of 87 percent, which rivals that of some expensive technology. (The genesis of the research was a 1989 journal article reporting that a border collie attacked a woman’s mole that turned out to be a malignant melanoma and ignored her after the mole was removed.